Tired of racking your brain for a clever remark every time you fire off a Cutting Words or Vicious Mockery? Our list of 100+ cutting words insults for bards in D&D 5e will give you all the e-quip-ment you need!
Take the performance pressure off yourself next time you need a vicious mockery insult so you can have more fun in your next Dungeons and Dragons session! Read on for randomly rolled insults, specifically themed selections, and even a mix-n-match table from the OG Bard himself.
What is Cutting Words?
One situation you’ll need a good insult is when using Bardic class feature called Cutting Words.
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Here’s a quick reminder on how it works from the Players Handbook:
…when a creature that you can see within 60 feet of you makes an attack roll, an ability check, or a damage roll, you can use your reaction to expend one of your uses of Bardic Inspiration, rolling a Bardic Inspiration die and subtracting the number rolled from the creature’s roll. You can choose to use this feature after the creature makes its roll, but before the DM determines whether [it] succeeds or fails, or before the creature deals its damage.Page 55, Dugeons & Dragons Players Handbook 5th edition.
For a closer look at Cutting Words, check out our article Cutting Words 5e D&D Explained + Examples!
What is Vicious Mockery?
Really want to double down on your slander-slinging capabilities? Consider taking the Vicious Mockery cantrip, too!
You unleash a strong of insults laced with subtle echantments at a creature you can see within range. If the target can hear you (though it need not understand you), it must succeed on a Wisdom saving throw or take 1d4 psychic damage and have disadvantage on the next attack roll it makes before the end of its next turn.Page 285, Dungeons & Dragons Players Handbook 5th edition.
This spell’s damage increases by 1d4 when you reach 5th level (2d4), 11th level (3d4), and 17th level (4d4).
Best Insults for Bards
Randomly Rolled Insults
Looking for a quick fix? Roll a d20 and find a random jibe:
- Got a Wand of Enfeeblement stuck up your behind? Because you really suck at this.
- I’m not sure whether I should use Charm Person or Hold Monster…
- I’d spit on you, but you’re so filthy no one would be able to tell the difference.
- Don’t worry, if mind flayers ever descend you’ll be safe.
- Aw, do you need a time out? Too bad this isn’t nursery school, whelp!
- Wow, you’re really bad at this! Why don’t you try picking on someone smaller than you, see if that helps?
- I’ve never met anyone that would look better for an Acid Splash to the face!
- I have no idea what manner of cursed beast your mother screwed under a full moon to make you… but I think she owes us all an apology.
- The only thing you could look good in is a body bag!
- Think the Clerics can grow you some balls, coward.
- Your eyes are open, mouth moving, but Mr Brain has long since departed eh?
- I’ve met cantaloupes with better fighting moves than you.
- Are you trying to defeat me with your weapon, or your odor?
- You’re so ugly… when you were born they had to get a Cleric to cast Resurrection after your mother saw your face.
- Your village must really be missing their idiot.
- Oi, dung-goblin! Bring that face over to my axe so I can make some improvements!
- If Intelligence were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose.
- Shame you’ve never done anything with your life, because you’re about to meet your maker!
- Are you sure you want to fight? Most people have an aversion to embarrassing themselves in public.
- Oh yikes, I hope the midwife gave your folks a refund!
Need even more randomly picked verbal poniards? Have at ye, vile vermin!
- I’d draw my short sword… but I wouldn’t want to make you jealous.
- You’re as thick as my Aunt Azalea’s mustard!
- Yuck, what’s that all over your – oh, that is your face! (Add some faked retching noises if you’re feeling really mean.)
- Please… don’t speak aloud, you lower the entire IQ of the town.
- I’d say you’re a worthy opponent, but I once fought a flumph wielding a dandelion.
- Wow, that halitosis is practically a breath weapon all by itself. Did something expire in there?
- I’ve met gnomish grandmother’s that hit harder than that!
- You’re as dumb as a bag full of bullfrogs – and your handshake is just as damp.
- I’d thrash you myself, but I wouldn’t want to contaminate my hands.
- Your mother was an Owlbear and your father smelt of Goodberries!
- Goodness gracious, is there a rash going around? No? Your face sure fooled me.
- I’ve got more brains in my [body part i.e. pinky toe, tail tip ] than you do in that hollow head.
- You smell worse than a Necromancer’s workshop!
- Call the guards – this guy is so dense they should be locked up.
- Sorry, but I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
- Your brain is so minuscule, that if a zombie cracked your skull open they wouldn’t have enough to spread on even a single cracker.
- Did you pick that armor out yourself, or did you lose a bet?
- If you’re this bad with a sword, I can only imagine how inept you are in the bedroom!
- They say laughter is the best medicine, so your face must cast Cure Wounds.
- (in response to the Big Bad Evil Guy’s speech) …mmhmm… yes, keep going this is gonna work great for my next Sleep spell!
Themed Insults for Bards
Equipment-based cutting words one liners for your bardic pleasure!
Armor and Shields
- No wonder you’re such a terrible fighter – you’re wearing a barrel not a breastplate!
- Shield? That’s a dinner plate! Where’d you get your equipment, your grandmother’s house?
- Only a coward would use a shield that big! Stand and fight, you yellow bellied dog!
- Are you trying to hit me with that thing, or pick your nose with it?
- I needed a shave/trim anyway, thanks for saving me the trouble!
- That axe couldn’t cut wet paper. It’s as rusty as your moves.
Bows and Ranged
- Careful with that thing kiddo, you’ll have your eye out!
- I’ll just go stand as still as I can 30 feet away so you actually have a chance of hitting me with that thing.
- You couldn’t hit the broadside of a prone Great Wyrm!
Hammers and Bludgeoning
- Are you even strong enough to lift that mace? Try not to break a nail.
- You look about as sharp witted as that club, and half as attractive!
- Oh hey, you must be the carpenter I sent for! The repairs are right over here…
Only consider these D&D race insults if everyone at your table is comfortable with them!
- Are those… beardplugs?!
- I’ve never seen a more sorry excuse for a dwarf – I bet your father has never spent a day underground in his life.
- Your head is as full of rocks as your pockets are, you dim witted cave dweller!
- You’re about as intimidating as a pair of alligator skin boots.
- Your mother was a bearded dragon!
- I thought elves were supposed to be dainty, not oafish with a face like a mule!
- *GASP* Do I see split ends?!
- So which kind are you, cookie baker or shoe maker? Cause my boots have had a hole in them for weeks…
- Shouldn’t you be decorating some old elf’s garden somewhere?
- Half-Orc? More like half pig! (Add some oinking noises for emphasis.)
- I’d think up an insult for you, but it’s not worth my time if you can’t understand them anyway.
- Leave the adventuring to the grown up, honey, this is no place for children.
- Is it true what they say about halfling men? They’re half the size and don’t know how to use ’em? (Accompany with hand gestures if feeling saucy.)
- Oh hey Dave- whoops! Gosh, you humans are all just so bland that it’s hard to keep track of ya.
- Humans, wow. They really had used up all the good qualities by the time they got around to making y’all.
- I’ve seen lap dogs with better moves than that.
- Stick to playing with a feather on a string – leave the real work to the professionals, kitten!
- Part infernal, huh? Guess that means your dad must have been so hard up for a date he had to summon one!
- Ugh, what is that scent you’re wearing? Eau de demon dung?
Highlighting class talents in the way only bards know!
- Oh wow! I’ve never met a Barbarian that can speak Common!
- Let me get this straight… your talent is that you can get really really cranky?
- If your blade were as sharp as your singing, I’d be a shish kebab by now!
- You’ve got about as much stage presence as an Umber Hulk’s behind.
- You wanna beat me, hurt me, lick me – do it. But if this poetry drivvel continues finish me now, please.
- Go back to your forest and hug a tree – leave the spellcasting to the real mages.
- *holding your nose* Jeez it’s true – you guys never take a bath do you?!
- You must worship Beshaba, because that outfit is truly unfortunate.
- You’re so inept that when you cast Turn Undead the zombies just laugh.
- You know they say: those who can’t cast, fight! (Throw in a sarcastic thumbs up for fun.)
- Guess you picked Fighter cause you don’t have any other real talents, huh?
- Monk, eh? So your parents really didn’t want you. Good thing there was a dumpster- I mean “monastery” nearby!
- Alright, tell me the truth… all that meditation mumbo jumbo is really just to keep your bowels regular, right?
- “Divine warrior?” *scoff* You fight like a dairy farmer!
- Your deity must be hard up for worshipers if they let a schmuck like you wave their banner.
- Ah, a Ranger. Druids wouldn’t take you, huh?
- Every party needs a Ranger. You’re the perfect distraction. While the Dire Wolf is chewing on you, the rest of the party can get away!
- You’re about as sneaky as a fully armored Bugbear with a cold!
- What bumpkin backwater are you from? You couldn’t rob a deaf and dumb cabbage farmer with moves that clumsy.
- I didn’t think elementals went in for inbreeding but here you are!
- Wow… all powerful, ancient dragon to this? Evolution really is cruel.
- Wild magic, cool! So you’re like a Wizard, but less talented?
- How many Patrons did you have to apply to before this cosmic screw up took pity on your sorry behind?
- Huh, I didn’t know there were worse casters than Sorcerers. Your ineptitude is truly impressive.
- I thought Wizards were supposed to be smart? You’re pretty dim-witted if you haven’t figured out you’re going to lose this fight by now!
- Did you become a Wizard just so you could summon yourself some friends, or was it the ugly hats that got ya?
- I thought I recognized you – janitor at the Arcane university right? (Big fake smile to sell it!)
Ahh, the classic mum jokes!
- Your mother is so fat that she’d choke a tarrasque!
- Your mom is so hideous that people beg to be turned into stone rather than see her face.
- Yo momma is so fat that it would take a whole classroom full of Wizards to Levitate her.
And let’s not forget dad!
- Your father is so dense that when you were born he saw your ugly mug and tried to put you back in!
- Your dad is so ugly he had to learn Charm Person just to get a date!
- Your father is so fat he can’t even jump to a conclusion.
There are even more D&D jokes for you in our list of 100+ D&D Jokes Only Real Fans Will Get!
Pay homage to the Great Bard himself and craft some lightning quick nasty names for your foes with this mix-n-match Shakespearean insult table. No one gets as dirty, disgusting, and downright dastardly as ol’ Billy Shakes!
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Dig this style? There are about a million other Shakespeare insult generators out there, including apps. Have fun!
Conclusion – Cutting Words Insults + Vicious Mockery Insults for Bards
Find yourself tongue-tied when it comes to quips and snark? Fear no more: with our 100+ Cutting Words insults and Vicious Mockery insults for bards at your side you’ll sling in-game insults to make your opponents cry and your party groan.
Alright you yeasty swag-bellied miscreants, get out there and make your Bardic Mockery 101 Professor proud!
For even more insult inspiration, take a look at my alignment article for your character’s alignment. It has a unique set of insults likely to be said by a character of that alignment!
And if you feel bad after dishing out these insults to your fellow adventurers or DM, how about giving them a D&D gift to make it up to them?
Or for the sweeter side of Bardic life, how see our 70+ D&D Pick Up Lines for the more romantic moments in your adventures!
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